Turbulence

18 Nov 2011 4 Comments

by Little Miss Sunshine in Bipolar, Day to Day, Self-Harm Tags: bipolar, boyfriend, depression, impulsivity, moodswings, self-harm, university

Okay, it was only a little bump.

My boyfriend broke up with me, so I was understandably upset. I was completely naked at the time, so I pulled on some knickers and 2 tops (don’t ask, because I don’t know), then ran over to where one of our friends lives. He wasn’t in. I determined this by knocking on the window, as you do. Anyway, I then went to the front door and got buzzed into his flat by someone I don’t know and went to all the other flats of people I knew. “Safe” people. Only one (out of 3) was in. So, he opens the door to his room to me, trouserless and about to cry.

I sobbed for a while and explained what had happened (I’ll explain to you lot in a moment). He told me I should come see him if I ever want to self-harm. I get this offer a lot, but for some reason I am completely unable to act on it when I feel like that. Maybe because by then, I’m too far gone, or I’m worried about hassling people too often – becoming a burden. You can’t do that to people, especially if you want them as your friend. I have real trouble with this common sense preventative measure; honestly, I wish I didn’t. It would be so much easier if I could just trust myself with that sort of thing, don’t you know? I wish I knew what stopped me.

Anyway, I got a bit sidetracked there. I chilled with him for a while, until his female flatmate (another friend) turned up. We chilled together for a while. They told me I should stay the night with them. They took me to my flat to pick up my stuff for overnighting; duvet, pyjamas, work and clothing for the next day. I was ready for bed in my female friend’s room, then I banged my head. I burst into tears. Not because it hurt. No; because I wished my boyfriend was there to look after me. Because I felt that he would never do so again. My friend got tissues and we chatted, a bit. Mostly me chatting shit. Hey ho.

I didn’t want to talk anymore (mostly because she was trying to give advice), so I lay on the floor ready to sleep. Then I burst into tears again. So I left the room and sat in the kitchen, crying. She followed me, then listened to me berate myself and hate myself. I wanted to knock for the original friend I went to see, so we did. He was in, so I told him what happened. Chilled with him for an hour, distracted me from feeling like I did, then I went back to floor-bed. Slept.

Next morning, we got up. Female friend had to go to the doctor, but the first guy was leaving early, so he wandered me to my flat. I got ready, and then we left for lessons. Boyfriend was texting me. He explained that he made a mistake. I said that it was okay. He called me later in the day, confirmed that it was all okay.

So, I’ve mentioned this ultimatum before. Well, it didn’t work here. I self-harmed a few times. I hoped he wouldn’t notice. I definitely didn’t tell him, because that’s the sure fire way of getting dumped.

Duh.

So I hid it, pretended nothing had happened, made transparent excuses – all of which he saw straight through. Bollocks. He pretended nothing had happened. He hid his responses. Until yesterday, when he was down. Suicidal. Having thoughts of overdosing. He’s said so to me. He’s said so to a lot of people. How can he be so open? Why is he being so open?

I pushed and pushed to find out why he was down. It all spilled out. He broke it off with me. I went straight to some of his friends and told them to look after him – via Facebook message. Fortunately, they took me seriously.

I was so fucking worried last night. There was some grieving, but mostly, I was worried. I knew exactly why he had done what he had done. He felt unwell and I had self-harmed.

I hate myself so much. I feel disgusting. Did I make him suicidal? Was he right to take me back?

He seems a bit better tonight. I don’t feel much better. I think it’s an evening thing. I don’t know why.