First Aid Kit

14 Nov 2011 1 Comment

by Little Miss Sunshine in Bipolar, Day to Day, Self-Harm, University Tags: bipolar, boyfriend, impulsivity, mental health, mood disorder, self-harm, tattoo, university

So, I showed the lizard image to my friends on tumblr and one of them adjusted it. So, if you look to the left…

Isn’t that glorious.

The outline might look a bit weird, as I removed the star on paint (since that’s my best quality image editing software), but I think it’s amazing. I hope you agree. If anyone of you steals it, I will personally find you and wrong you. Okay?

That image is now copyright to me, S, and F. That’s how it works, right?

Anyway, from this point on, I will be discussing self harm a bit.

*Trigger Warning: Somewhat Graphic Discussion of Self-Harm*

I found that this evening, as I walked back from lectures, I was looking at the ground. At the paving stones; the gaps between the paving stones and the texture of the concrete in the dark. It reminded me of the cuts I’ve made which have gaped and revealed subcutaneous tissue. Mostly over my calf muscle (fortunately, I’ve never reached muscle). It looks odd.

My body instantly goes into “oh shit” mode. I feel as though I’ve been kicked in the chest. That’s usually enough to stop that ‘session’ of self harm. Occasionally not.

It’s a bit weird being somewhere that you can’t talk about self-harm. I haven’t done so for a while, really. I don’t really know whether that’s better for me or not. Does it make a difference?

If it’s better for me, I’d rather avoid talking about it, you know? But for now, it’s just floating around my head all the time. I’ve been fixed on the idea of making a first aid kit for a while. I would need: sterilising wipes, plasters, sterile low adherent pads, bandages, steristrips (lots of), large adhesive dressings, sterile scissors, first aid disinfectanct, tape, sterile gloves, and tubigrips. If I don’t self-harm, it’ll probably be a huge waste of money. Generally people don’t get hurt in a way that requires that sort of stuff, right? If it’s there, will I be more tempted to self-harm, as I am therefore able to fix most things I’ll do? Therefore self-harm will be less damaging or have a lower self-evaluated risk? Or does not having it mean I’m at more risk if/when I do self-harm?

I read some of the first aid for self-harm; parts of which made me laugh. Who goes to A&E for a cut on the hands? Do you really need to go for stitches for a cut more than 1cm long? I can probably count the number of self-inflicted lacerations that were 1cm or shorter on my fingers. Maybe that’s just me, but I somehow doubt it. Maybe that advice is more suited for people who are likely to self-harm more severely than I do. The only time I’ve sought medical attention was after series of cuts hadn’t stopped bleeding for an hour, so – panicking – I told a friend, who took me to a walk in center when a nurse steri-stripped it. Although I think the advice I’ve been reading includes steri-strips as a form of suture. On the one hand, it might be good to encourage people to come into contact with services earlier, not all services are terribly pleasant. I remember that talking to the GPs at the walk-in had me in inconsolable tears, although one of them was scary and the other was a bit more helpful. Of course, that set the ball rolling and now I am surrounded by professional support. Maybe I wouldn’t have that if I didn’t talk to my friend? Maybe I wouldn’t be in med school? Maybe I wouldn’t be with my boyfriend anymore – I doubt I would be.

He wants me to stop. I know, because of the ultimatum. I’m trying. It’s difficult, but I’m trying. I know self-harm is linked to an increased risk of suicide attempts (and therefore successful suicides). His justifications are fairly legit; it’ll trigger him and it makes me more unwell. But does it actually make me more unwell? Or is it simply a marker that I am getting unwell? The severity of self-harm isn’t necessarily linked to the level of distress. It just kinda tends to get worse.

That doesn’t help my case really. “It’s okay for me to self-harm, because it allows me to cope with whatever’s going on in my head, even though I know it’s going to get worse and leave nastier and nastier scars until this episode ends, although I might accidently do something dangerous”.

I don’t think I won that one.

See, that’s why I need to actually discuss these things! Otherwise I only get my point of veiw floating around my head. I suppose that’s why you can’t be scared of candid conversations. Start them, if you’re worried about someone. They might be waiting for it. Preaching to the choir, I’m sure. I know people are scared of “putting ideas” in peoples heads; but unless you’re giving hints and tips, chances are you’re alright. If you take the time to talk it through, you may even save a life. (I was trying to find a page to like here, but I found nothing appropriate.)

I have no idea how I am at the moment. I have little motivation and low appetite. My room’s a tip and I think I may actually smell. I’ve been feeling a bit self-destructive and impulsive. But I don’t necessarily feel down. I don’t have the ability to concentrate at all on lectures, but I’ve just written this. Which is odd. It has taken about an hour, I think. I don’t quite know where I’m at, so I don’t know what to do to help myself. Eat and sleep, I guess.