I still exist. Promise.
12 Nov 2011 2 Comments
in Bipolar, Day to Day, Psychiatrist, Self-Harm, University Tags: agitation, anxiety, bipolar, depression, lithium, mental health, mood stabilisers, moodswings, psychiatrist, self-harm, tattoo, university
I have been so busy, but I probably still require the catharsis that writing provides.
*Plonk some Trigger Warnings in here: self harm.*
Okay, below, is a badly lit image of my tattoo.
It says forelsket. This means that I need a nice shiney camera, rather than relying on webcam.
Just kidding.
forelsket (for – ehl – skert) adj in love
Easy peasy.
Above, you should see the variation on the rod of asclepius that my tattooist friend drew up for me. I will get that soon. I just have to work out what I want the background to be, because it can’t be that star – which is the symbol for emergency medicine (EMPs, paramedics, etc). If you know otherwise, let me know.
So I wouldn’t be adverse to suggestions for the background. My imagination is pretty dead at the moment, sadly. I also have a few ideas for other tattoos I would like. A fox with a strawberry/map and one with the words “it’s something unpredictable, but in the end it’s right” on it.
Anyway. That’s that bit over and done with (although, tattoos are awesome, amirite?). So; a lot has happened since last time I’ve blogged. Mostly good, I think. Let’s begin with just after I left off. I felt like shit so I called the psych and asked for a prescription for ADs (not just randomly, but she had offered fluoxetine before). She prescribed sertraline 50mg, which we could up if necessary. It was completely not necessary. My mood lifted within 2 days of taking them. Now, when things like that happen, you do have to wonder whether it was just placebo or whether I was just about to go up anyway. Nonetheless, I was to continue taking them. Fine. I fear that it may have made me a bit wobbly, moodwise, and very restless. I don’t want to say that it’s caused akathisia, because I’m not quite sure exactly what constitutes the diagnostic requirements for that, but I have been very pacey and I want to amputate my legs to stop the fuckers from twitching. Yesterday I was pacing/running for 80 minutes, up and down that hallway, partially due to restlessness and partially so I don’t anything stupid based on the brain screaming. In response to this, I am cutting out the sertraline (which I’ve only been on for about 2 months) to see if that makes a difference. I’m hoping I do it slowly enough to avoid any withdrawal symptoms (I remember that citalopram was unpleasant). My concerns are that it is not linked or that I will become much more depressive/anxious.
I’m still on Lithium. I took a week off the stuff (I had one of those “these drugs are making me worse, not better, there’s not actually anything wrong with me, these drugs are just making me miserable and fucking up my social life” moments) and I very rapidly went high and fucked off a few people. Took the lithium again, started tippy-toeing around a few people; all just about alright…
As I mentioned, my mood has been a bit wobbly; I’ve been restless and brainscreamy as well as don’t-want-to-do-anything-down. Nevertheless, this is still probably more stable than I have been in the past and I haven’t reached the point of suicidality in the last 9 weeks. I’m thinking that one of the things contributing to the moodswings (as well as my perception of them) is that I’m actually stressed for, like, the first time. Sadly, the amount of work I have going on at once (although most of it is formative – doesn’t count towards my grades) means I have no idea where to start or what I should prioritise. I also can’t do too much at once without breaks, or I’ll crash, I’m sure of it. I’ve been tired since, well, the first night out, then I had a bit of a downer, now I’m just about alright, but I haven’t been able to catch up on any sleep.
You’ll all be glad to hear that I have accessed student support here, I’m talking to someone once a week and I’ve been referred to the EIT in this city too. The student support is quite good, and I’ve been told that in some circumstances it will be my responsibility to disclose that I’ve been diagnosed with bipolar disorder (as I have to my GP tutor). I haven’t told any of the students that I work directly with, mostly because I don’t think they really understand what is meant by bipolar disorder (one girl I’ve been talking to has made it clear that she believes that individuals with bipolar are always either manic or suicidally depressed – I’ve tried to right her on that, but I don’t know). I’ve told a few students that I don’t work directly with – my flatmates and 4 other med students. They’re fairly alright with it, I think. I’ll tell people if I think I need to tell them, but I think I’d have to be pretty unwell to do that. Otherwise, I can ask the disability services at the uni to do some disclosure on my behalf.
The early intervention team here are different. So far, I like the case manager guy and I’m not too fond of the psychiatrist lady. Then again, she is actually going to provide psychotherapies as well as drugs, so it’s okay. I didn’t like the way she spoke (although I wasn’t feeling terribly agreeable when I saw her anyway, so that might be the cause). It was really funny, the little I know about medicine – I could see the consulting skills and techniques she was using (calgary-cambridge model, anyone?). I asked her about stopping sertraline, but she kinda brushed it off (probably because this is the first time she’s met me). So I didn’t actually get to discuss my concerns about it destabilising me or causing restlessness (ICE, woman, assess my ICE!). So, I’m going to stop it by myself. I’ll tell the case manager if it goes alright. Otherwise, I’ll just start retaking them – in an emergency/crisis caused by me fucking around, I still have a variety of contacts. The only issue with the psychotherapies is that she’s implied I can only tackle one thing at a time. I hope she takes me fucking seriously when I say I think my biggest problem is the self-harming bullshit at the moment. I’m relatively stable. If I can get through a reasonable period without wanting to slice myself to bits for no real reason – or if I have the techniques that means that those fucked up emotions don’t screw up my day and all the stuff I have planned (who the hell can write about physiology/ethics/sociology when 95% of your brain is telling you to hack at yourself?).
Although, it might just be that I’m a lazy fuck. Procrastination queen.
Also, I’ve managed to get down to a sum total of £30… So I’ve got an interest free loan from the uni, which I’ve given to a trustworthy flatmate to look after for me. No idea how. It just happened.
You also have to mention what sort of trigger warnings I should have. I know some people think trigger warnings are stupid, but it’s less of an issue if those people get a bit sniffy about the trigger warning being present than if I accidently distress someone by omitting the trigger warning. I know I’ve been a bit shocked if I come across an image of self-inflicted cuts without any sort of trigger warning. It would just mean I had a choice. I’m sure that there are people more sensitive than me. I don’t know if anyone like that reads this blog, but just in case…
Nov 12, 2011 @ 23:23:18
glad to see you’re doing well, and well done for getting in with the ET early too. It sounds like you might have a bit of akathesia to me – there’s not really diagnostic criteria per se, but if it’s making you feel really restless keeps you moving, and causing distress, make sure you mention it. And you’re still in early days, so don’t worry too much about talking to your peers about your BP – the only medics I trusted with my depression were ones who were good friends first, fellow medics second – and remember too that most first years are pretty clueless about any medical condition, not just psychiatry, and often like the general public, rely on media representations etc. If your uni has a nightline, they’re a really good place to ring if you need some support asap. Keep enjoying life on planet medic!
Nov 13, 2011 @ 00:55:38
Good job on getting in touch with all the appropriate groups and resources at the uni. I had a student loan once, to pay off a phone bill and food when work didn’t pay me for a weekend of work. They were pretty helpful, and I paid it back when I was able to.
Starting out in anything new like this is always tricky. But it looks like you’ve got all the appropriate support around you.
As for telling people, how is it relevant? I would say not to tell them until they absolutely need to know.
Your tattoo looks great by the way.